Best Little Boy In The World
LGBT-Affirming Therapy
It is sometimes really important to remain true to oneself, even if it involves opposing societal conventions. LGBT-affirming therapy is a way for therapists to support clients who identify as gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, nonbinary, or any other sexual and gender minority. It's about creating a safe, non-judgmental environment where individuals can explore their identities and work through mental health issues. “LGBT-affirming therapy” is not a formal theory, but a collection of affirming attitudes, knowledge, and skills (Pepping et al., 2018). So, back to the title of the blog, who is the "Best Little Boy in the World?"
“Best Little Boy in the World”
The term Best Little Boy in the World was originally coined by Andrew Tobias in his memoir of the same name: The Best Little Boy in the World (1973) about his life a gay man, which was originally written under a pseudonym. It refers to the hypothesis that gay or bisexual men may feel pressure to conform to societal expectations and be good little boys and by hiding or suppressing their sexual orientation. In order to compensate for being gay or bisexual, they attempt to make up for it in other ways such as excelling in academics, skillful hobbies, being particularly polite or courteous, and into adulthood, through their personal aesthetics or elite employment. I have seen it often in working with gay and bisexual men and I believe I have experienced it.
Best Little Kid in the World
Although coined by a gay man, the "Best Little Boy in the World," as a concept, of course, is not limited to gender, as all genders experience societal pressure to conform to heteronormative standards (Blankenship & Stewart, 2022). This pressure can come from different sources such as family, peers, and religious communities, and can be explicit or implicit. Being the best little kid in the world may be an attempt to secure acceptance and avoid rejection by parents or your broader community. For many people, giving in to this pressure can cause feelings of shame and inadequacy.
In an effort to gain acceptance and avoid rejection, people may engage in people-pleasing behaviors, such as agreeing with others even when they don't want to, or become highly sensitive to criticism and rejection. Rejection sensitivity is common among LGBTQ+ individuals who have experienced discrimination or rejection based on their sexual orientation or gender identity (Pachankis et al., 2008).
This heightened sensitivity can lead to negative interpretations of neutral situations as being rejecting or critical. For example, if a friend cancels plans, someone with rejection sensitivity might assume that it's because the friend doesn't want to spend time with them, rather than considering other possible explanations (such as the friend being busy or feeling unwell). This negative interpretation of events can lead to feelings of hurt, anger, or sadness, and can make it difficult to resolve conflicts or maintain positive relationships.
The Problem with Being the Best Little Kid in the World
If you were one of those you may have hidden part of your identity and attempted to compensate in other ways, you might feel as if that has been incredibly useful. Perhaps it helped you attain real success and accomplishments. At the same time, striving to be the best little kid can be problematic if we are taking the perspective that we must always be the best and always excel. That is a formula for failure and frustration. We will all inevitably fail. Failing and learning from our mistakes is part of being human. It's important to choose what you want to excel at. Don't do things to make up for being gay, bisexual, trans or anything else, do them because you want to.
LGBT-affirming therapy can help individuals address these issues and provide a safe and supportive environment to explore their feelings and concerns without judgment.
Conclusion
Therapists who specialize in LGBT-affirming therapy can help clients develop coping strategies for dealing with rejection sensitivity, identify additional areas of self-worth, and develop acceptance of their sexual orientation.
Not all therapists are trained in LGBT-affirming therapy. If you are looking for a therapist to discuss sexual orientation or gender identity, it's important to find a therapist who is knowledgeable and supportive of LGBT+ identities. You don’t necessarily need a gay, queer, or transgender therapist to work through your issues. Though sometimes, it is helpful to work with a therapist who is connected to the community and a strong ally.
Trying To Find a Las Vegas LGBT or Gay/Queer-Identified Therapist or Online Therapist?
If you are trying to find an LGBT-affirming or gay/queer-identified therapist and you happen to live near Las Vegas, Nevada or Portland, Oregon or any of the other 33+ PsyPACT states, you may call me at (702) 530-6134, schedule an initial consultation, or use the contact form. You can learn more about my background and credentials on my About Me page.
Other resources include local LGBTQ+ community centers, online directories (that include a filter feature to find therapists by specialty areas like PsychologyToday.com), and recommendations from support groups.
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Blankenship, B. T., & Stewart, A. J. (2022). The best little kid in the world: Internalized sexual stigma and extrinsic contingencies of self‐worth, work values, and life aspirations among men and women. European Journal of Social Psychology, 52(2), 361-376.
Crenshaw, K. (1989). Demarginalizing the intersection of race and sex; a Black feminist critique of discrimination doctrine, feminist theory and antiracist politics. University of Chicago Legal Forum, 139-167.
Feinstein, B. A. (2019). The rejection sensitivity model as a framework for understanding sexual minority mental health. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49, 2247–2258.
Miller, J. B. (1976). Toward a new psychology of women. Beacon Press.
Pachankis, J. E., Goldfried, M. R., & Ramrattan, M. E. (2008). Extension of the rejection sensitivity construct to the interpersonal functioning of gay men. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76, 306–317.
Pepping, C. A., Lyons, A., & Morris, E. M. (2018). Affirmative LGBT psychotherapy: Outcomes of a therapist training protocol. Psychotherapy, 55(1), 52-62.
Tobias, A. (1993). The Best Little Boy in the World: The 25th anniversary edition of the classic memoir. Ballantine Books.
