Self-Esteem Doesn’t Matter.
Or, at least, probably not as much as you think, or how you think.
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is sort of like an internal scorecard, a way to see how much we value and respect ourselves. It is not really about feeling better than other people. Rather, it more accurately captures a sense of feeling okay with being you, so to speak, inclusive of virtues and perceived flaws or quirks. Self-esteem is often seen as this magical quality that will give the power to achieve success and happiness. If you think that self-esteem is the golden ticket to happiness, I want to help you pop that bubble—I think your life is likely to be better off for it. Instead, our self-esteem is shaped by our actions, our successes, and our failures. In other words, self-esteem is the byproduct of our successes, relationships, and our stumbles. But in order to have success and create meaningful relationships, you often first have to be willing to put yourself at risk of failure and discomfort.
The Illusion of Boosting Self-Esteem
We've all heard advice similar to this: "Believe in yourself, and everything will work out." It’d be nice if it were that simple.
Unfortunately, self-esteem is not something you just can inflate like a balloon with a few pep talks to yourself in the mirror. There seems to be a popular belief that if we could just pump our self-esteem high enough, life would be so much easier and we could make all the changes in life that we want. I believe this line of thought distracts us from some of the most important work and is about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. It may look good, but it melts away upon inspection. In reality, the idea that we just need to boost self-esteem is about as practical as a glass hammer—it appears solid but just shatters under any real pressure.
Self-esteem is built through real experiences and achievements. Think about it – when was the last time you felt a genuine boost in self-worth, self-esteem, or self-efficacy? Was it when…
… you did very well giving a presentation?
… you finally beat a boss in a difficult video game?
… you had a really meaningful interaction or experience in an important relationship?
… you set an important boundary in your life?
… you meet some other goal?
Exactly. Here's a fun fact: research actually suggests that trying too hard to boost self-esteem might actually backfire. Baumeister and colleagues (2003) kind of shattered the glass hammer, arguing that the correlation between self-esteem and school performance is misunderstood, in fact, backward. Seeking competence and experiencing success leads to self-confidence, not the other way around. We've been putting the self-esteem cart before the success horse. There isn’t a problem with having high self-esteem, but there is a cost associated with seeking higher self-esteem (Crocket, 2002).
What’s the alternative, then?
Often I hear clients or their concerned parents express a desire to "improve self-esteem." This makes sense, and I understand where they are coming from. However, targeting self-esteem itself really misses the mark. That is, “improving self-esteem” is not an appropriate treatment goal. It might be a proxy indicator that you’ve made important changes in life during the course of therapy. But it is not an appropriate goal, in and of, itself. Since our experiences in life, including rewards, challenges, and social interactions, shape our sense of self-esteem, an effective treatment goal might focus on taking actions, rather than aiming to boost an abstract sense of self-worth. For example, introducing yourself to new people, setting goals, and demonstrating your ability to achieve them provides opportunities to gain evidence of your growing competence and build meaningful connections. This kind of active engagement with life directly influences how we see ourselves. Consider how praise after success makes us feel good about ourselves, while criticism after failure might have the opposite effect. If you understand this dynamic, then you will realize that taking new actions, changing your environment, and accepting both successes and failures are key to developing genuine self-esteem and meeting your goals.
What changes do you want to start making?
Consider the case of a family worried about their child's low self-esteem, with the child avoiding school, neglecting activities, and exhibiting problematic behaviors. They are fixated on boosting self-esteem but overlook the underlying issues. Addressing the child's engagement with school, physical activity, and behavior is the most important part of creating desired changes, far beyond mere self-esteem enhancement. Let's get them engaged with school, introduce some physical activity, and address any behavioral issues directly rather than, metaphorically, attempting to slap on a metaphorical "you're awesome" sticker and call it a day. For parents, this will likely require significant changes, challenges, effort, learning, or professional support for the parents themselves.
Ultimately, self-esteem is better understood by looking at our environment or modifying our behavior.
What about affirmations?
Affirmations tend to be popular. They are often an example of something someone might do to increase self-esteem. The research on the efficacy of affirmations for improving self-esteem is mixed (Flynn & Bordieri, 2020), and it is not entirely clear how much they influence a change in behavior. General affirmations, such as "I am a good person" or "I am deserving of love," may not be as effective as more specific affirmations, such as "I am resilient" or "I can persevere." This is because if the affirmation doesn't align with how we already see ourselves, it can be hard to actually believe it and may even lead to an internal debate that convinces us of the opposite (e.g., "I am not good enough").
However, there may still be value in using affirmations that remind us, or reorientation us to our goals and values. Verbalizing what is important to us, might help us stay focused on those values and goals we care about. It's important to prioritize the process of becoming the person we want to be, rather than repeating affirmations in an effort to boost our self-esteem. For example, asking ourselves questions like "Who do I want to be?" and "What qualities do I want to embody?" can be more important than simply repeating statements like "I am confident" or "I am successful." The key is making affirmations that align with your real goals and values. Instead of generic feel-good phrases, focus on what really matters to you and the steps you're taking to get there. It's about reinforcing the process and journey, not a destination (Taylor et al., 1998).
Wrapping it up:
It is only through setting goals, challenging yourself, and putting yourself out there that will allow you to build self-esteem. You shouldn't wait to have better self-esteem to do those things you care about. It is the doing that builds self-esteem. By gradually exposing yourself to challenging situations and succeeding in smaller, manageable tasks, your confidence can grow over time. Additionally, developing good social support systems plays an important role in building self-esteem. Creating a supportive environment where people receive positive feedback and reinforcement from friends, family, or peers can validate your efforts and encourage you to continue working on your goals or aims or provide more confidence.
Ultimately, the actions we take to become the person we want to be will lead to a stronger sense of self-esteem, but our behavior should be the focus. Often, behavior needs to change before feelings change.
Trying To Find a Therapist Near You?
I serve Las Vegas, NV, and Nevada statewide, Portland, OR, and all of Oregon statewide (in addition to 38+ PsyPACT states) via teletherapy. You may call me at (702) 530-6134, schedule an initial consultation, or use the contact form to take the first step.
You can learn more about my background and credentials on my About Me page.
-
Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(1), 1–44. https://doi.org/10.1111/1529-1006.01431
Crocker, J. (2002). The costs of seeking self–esteem. Journal of Social Issues, 58(3), 597-615. https://doi.org/10.1111/1540-4560.00279
Flynn, M. K., & Bordieri, M. J. (2020). On the failure to replicate past findings regarding positive affirmations and self-esteem. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 16, 49–61. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.03.003
Taylor, S. E., Pham, L. B., Rivkin, I. D., & Armor, D. A. (1998). Harnessing the imagination: Mental simulation, self-regulation, and coping. American Psychologist, 53(4), 429–439. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.53.4.429
